Microsoft Mullet

While the Justice Department deliberates over the fate of software giant Microsoft, inside sources indicate that Bill Gates may have a few more cards up his sleeve. Sensing Microsoft's inability to control the entire software market, Gates has turned his attention to a new arena: hair. Microsoft officials have released a statement indicating Gates' intention to "take hair into the online era by growing an e-mullet, 'hair for the 21st century!'" "By maintaining the conservative, respectable short on top while simultaneously sporting the wild and free long in back, Bill is poised to take over all, not some, but all of the hair community," said Bill Neukom, the company's executive vice president for law and corporate affairs.

How will this affect Microsoft's business? Prior to the Microsoft announcement late Friday afternoon, amid rumors and speculation, Microsoft Mullet stock prices soared to a stunning $118/share. When asked about the Gates neck-cape, Pieter Hartsook, an independent Macintosh industry analyst in Alameda, California, said, "I think that even though Microsoft has officially announced their development of the e-mullet, Mac loyalists will still hold out for the soon-to-be-announced Apple iMullet."

What will the Justice Department have to say about the Microsoft Mullet Monopoly? We'll just have to wait and see.