Ford-Chevy Debate Causing Painful Rift in Mullet Community

ARKANSAS, Little Rock - On the morning of November 16, 1992, longtime Little Rock resident William "Billweed" Tucker went to start his car. The moment he sat down in his highly customized 1976 Ford Mustang, he knew something was wrong. His car simply wouldn't start. Tucker reflects on the incident with great pain. "The second I sat in the sumbitch I knew somethin' was up. It turned over, f---ing two or three times, maybe, hell, I don't know and then dropped dead-ass." This set off a chain of events that began with his termination for being late to work at his job installing chain-link fence, and ended with him being taken to court to pay child support to his ex-wife Tonya. However, there is a story within this story. At the time that his car wouldn't start, his second cousin Randy was sleeping inside the trailer that the two share with William's ex-wife's sister's friend. Randy's 1992 Chevrolet Camaro IROC, parked next to William's Mustang, was in perfect working order. Some would ask "why not ask Randy for a ride?" When asked this question, Tucker replied, "There weren't no way in hell I was gonna ask [Randy] for a ride. The night before, we'd been a arguin' over which was better, Ford or Chevy. I thunk to myself 'if I ask him for a ride, he'll make sport of me for the rest of my life, or until we get kicked out of the trailer.'"

Sadly, Mr. Tucker's situation is not unique. On any given day in the United States, it is estimated that 275-300,000 mullets will argue, often violently, the relative merits of Fords and Chevys. The two camps are passionate, and this war is not without casualties. University of North Carolina Sociology professor Andrew Brennan has studied extensively the Ford-Chevy debate. "This issue, is by far, the most divisive and emotionally charged facing the Mullet community today. When the sides are chosen for this debate, sometimes family members are left on opposing sides. To the Ford camp, Chevy owners are "pussys" or "fairies". The Chevy owners feel likewise toward those driving Fords. There are no quick answers, no easy solutions." When asked where Chrysler fits into the debate, Dr. Brennan replied, "Chrysler? Only a complete butt-pirate drives a Chrysler!"

Both Governor George W. Bush and Vice-President Al Gore have pledged to work to end the Ford-Chevy debate in order to restore relative peace to the Mullet community. The U.S. Department of Transportation has begun circulating pamphlets in trailer parks entitled "Ford or Chevy? It doesn’t matter, they both break down faster than a Toyota."