Mr. Mullet teaches Mull-etiquette

Hello readers, I've been getting some questions related to the etiquette of mullets, that I will address in this issue.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I have been getting a lot of requests to have my picture taken. Sometimes I just don't feel like having my picture taken. How can say this politely?

This is a common question of late, and one I can certainly relate to. The best policy is always a little bit of intimidation. Remember, you're the one with the rockin' hair, and therefore, it's you calling the shots, not Mr. 23 year old I have a digital camera and a website and am thus entitled to take pictures of whosever's hair I feel like it anytime I want. Loud grunting noises, flared nostrils, and an aggressive display such as the administration of a tittie-twister while requesting that the recipient whistle if they wish to take your picture, are all acceptable responses to this ever-increasingly common request.

Dear Mr. Mullet - The other day, at the local K-Mart, my child started acting up in the check-out line. How does one go about handling a situation such as this while being considerate to my fellow shoppers?

This is a tough one, children can often put one in a compromising social situation. My best advice would be to quickly nip the problem in the bud. Gently, but firmly and (very) loudly, berate your child, all the while delivering repeated blows to the backside. Explain loudly to your child how tired you are. Use phrases such as "ain't", "shut your pie-hole" and "butt-whackin'" to make clear your embarrassment and disappointment at having been placed in an awkward social situation. In following these instructions, you will help your child understand the unacceptability of obnoxious, disruptive, childish behavior in a public setting.

Dear Mr. Mullet - How should one answer the phone?

Yeeeee-llow.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Is it polite to use one's salad fork to eat the main entr? at dinner?

Let me phrase my answer this way: Is it polite for me to kick down the door of your house, take a dump on your sofa, and wipe with your cat?