Dear Mr. Mullet- May I have sex with you? - Bonnie Fallon, Albany, New York
Dear Bonnie - Absolutely not. I am not a piece of meat. I am a human being with feelings and needs. On second thought, yes.
Dear Mr. Mullet - How are you and you mullet reacting to the death of everyones favorite NASCAR man Dale Earnhardt? - Jim, Huntsville, Alabama
Dear Jim - Dale's death hit me and the mullet community at large pretty hard. I remember exactly what I was doing the moment Dale Earnhardt died: I was watching Dale Earnhardt die on television. NASCAR will never be the same. I will never be the same. Mulletdom lost a great hero that day..
Dear Mr. Mullet - What level of education have you completed? If above 5th grade, what are your views on the tortures occuring in Peru, and do you think Mullets would be a good solution to the Communist regime? - Curious in Juno, Alaska
Dear Curious - I've actually completed above a 5th grade level of education. However, I learned in 4th grade that Juno, Alaska is spelled Juneau. I think mullets would be a fantastic solution to the Communist regime. Which Communist regime, you idiot? And the tortures occurring in Peru? I think it's fabulous. I wouldn't be the man I am today without a goodly bit of torturin' myself. Puts hair on your chest. Yessiree. A good, healthy torturin' never did anyone a bit o' harm. Yes indeedy deed. Torturin'.
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Dear Colonize.com Team - I hadn't seen that yet! Did you say a free backpack and 8 books for $3.99? Hot diggetidy damn! Where do I sign up? Did you say NO credit card needed? Yippee-ki-yi-yay!! Do I get to choose my books? What about the color of the backpack? I can hardly contain my excitement? Friggin' spammers. I hate you guys.
Dear Mr. Mullet - What Is Worth More Bonus Points? Guy With mullet wearing AC/DC shirt, or Lesbian with mullet wearing Lithith Fair Concert Shirt? - Confused in League City, Tx
Dear Confused - A lesbian with an AC/DC shirt is worth more bonus points. I knew this was a trick question.
Dear Mr. Mullet - As a lifetime Long Islander, and a former Mullet owner myself, I must ask the following: What is the connection between Mulleted men and pleated pants? I have noticed that men who need that "dressy" look at formal functions will often resort to pleated pants as their fashion savior. Perhaps the flowing pleats remind them of their own flowing locks? I notice that our local KMart has a broad selection of such pants. Your Thoughts? - Anonymous, Long Island, NY
Dear Friend - That there exists a connection between mullets and pleated pants, I can't deny. Here's my theory: by the time you're done taking care of your beautiful mullet, you have little time or energy to think about style, so you go with what's always in style: pleats, pleats, and more pleats. Just look at A.C. Slater from "Saved by the Bell." There was a mullet who knew his pleats. And as for the Kmart thing? Buddy, if you'd gotten lovin' as many times as I have because of Kmart, you'd shop there too.
Dear Mr. Mullet - Hey mullet man u got some cornbread?? - Anonymous, Durham, North Carolina
Yup. 'Fridge, bottom drawer.