A long time Coming

Dear Mr. Mullet - Last weekend, we invested in what we've so fondly named the, "Mullet-Cam." We have set off to put together a very complete and descriptive portfolio of our favorite coif: the mullet. However, in our attempt to capture these images, we've found it quite difficult to take pictures of people with the infamous "do" un-noticed.. How can we remain incognito with our Advantix camera and document "the mullet" accurately? - Anonymous, Conway, AR

Dear Friend - Perhaps you need to understand something: the mullet is a badge of honor. Those who wear it are proud to do so. You don't need to hide and sneak around to take pictures of mullets. Any true mullet is more than happy to have his/her/its mullet photographed for posterity. Walk right up to them and ask. Make eye contact. We mullets are eager to please. We might even let you touch the beautiful mullet, if you ask nicely enough.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I just wondering....When do you consider when a person has a mullet or not?? I mean, the Bon Jovi case- You told that the band removed the mullet, but i think that Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora stil have "samples" of their mullets over their neck...What do u think? - Luiz, Sao Paulo

Dear Luiz - Let me first say, Tudo Bem? E bom falar com alguem do Brasil. Especialmente um Paulist

Now, for those of you who aren't fluent in Portuguese, I'll answer the question. Mullets are relative. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora do still carry vestiges of their previous mulleted glory. However, compared to their coifs of yesteryear, their current mullets are hardly even worthy of the name. However, someone who has traditionally never sported a mullet, would definitely be considered a mullet if Jon Bon Jovi's hair were magically transferred from his head to theirs. Entao, Luiz, esta satisfeito com minha resposta sobre o mullet do Jon Bovi? Ele deve ser bem popular no Brasil ainda, nao?

Dear Mr. Mullet - I have had my mullet as long as I can remember. I have never had problems with my mullet up until about a year ago when I noticed a sort of mullet craze and the next thing I know I am being stalked and photographed just because of my beautiful flowing locks that come down to the middle of my back. I don't know where to turn nobody takes me seriously and I would like some advice. Don't get me wrong, I love my mullet and I would never cut it. But I just want to know how to make all of my problems stop. So me and my mullet can live happily as we once did. - Anonymous, Pennsylvania

Dear Friend - Stop being a pussy and running from your mullet. It's a badge of honor (see above response). If you are ashamed to have your picture taken, you are an insult to mulletdom. Just get a crew-cut if it bothers you that much.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I find it upsetting that people look at me as a racist and red neck just because I have a beautiful lush greasy mullet. Sure my neck is red, but that doesn't make me prejudice. How can I make this not hurt my self esteem, when even my family and friends are looking at me strange. HELP ME MASTER OF ALL MULLETS!!! - Anonymous, Nashville, TN

Dear Friend - Racism is an insidious and pervasive thing. Certainly, to be the object of racism can be damaging to one's self-esteem. I myself have been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty mullet prejudice. But we shall overcome. I have a dream, that one day little mullet children and little? all other kinds of children will walk hand in hand. I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, justice will roll down from the heavens like the mighty Kentucky waterfall that rolls down the back of my neck. One day, we will be free.

Cher Monsieur Mullet - I've been visiting your site for the last few minutes and I must say that I fell in love with your favorite hairdo.... What a refreshment really !! I deeply regret that french people are too retarded to be up to date the way you mullet boys are. What a shame. Anyway. My question is: Is there any ingredients that I could spread on my head to get my mullet-to-be grow faster? Like honey or stuff? And should I do specific work out in order to have it just right and tough? Thanx for your advice Mr. Mullet. And may mullets of every country unite and celebrate. Vive les Mullets !! - Anonymous, Le Vesinet, FRANCE

Dear Friend - Bonjour! Voulez-vouz couches avec moi? But seriously, folks. Let's face it. Our friends on the other side of the Atlantic may be up-to-date on eating garden pests and cheese that smells like farts, but let's face it; we all know French guys are tres big pussies. Why? Because the mullet is as popular over there as girls shaving their pits. To get some good mullet growth, I would recommend a good scalp massage two to three times a day. I've experimented with various mullet-growing compounds, and nothing seems to work as well as that.

Dear Mr. Mullet - My name is "smelly dottie" and I have a serious problem...see, I smell like poop. Everyone I know calls me smelly dottie, and I think it is because I have a fro...that thing smells like poop...if I grew a mullet, I don't think I would smell like poop anymore...but there is a problem, the love of my life does not want me to grow a mullet. How can I convince him that the stench of poop that follows me around will no longer exist if i get a mullet. See he loves my curley fro. He doesn't want me to get a mullet. But I want one...please help. - Dorothy, Des Moines IA

Dear Smelly Dotty - The mullet was not ever intended to act as a substitute for the weekly shower. If you are having some? scent issues, don't try to hide them under a mullet. If you don't have time to bathe, there are alternatives available to you. A couple of extra applications of cologne or perfume serve basically the same function as a bath, causing one to feel and smell refreshed. Cigarette smoke will mask offensive odors. I've even worn dryer sheets taped underneath my arms in a pinch. If your boyfriend doesn't want you to get a mullet, I wouldn't, because it doesn't sound to me like the men are exactly chasing you up and down the street, my feces-scented friend.

Dear Mr. Mullet - My closest and dearest friend, we will call her sneaka1, has become overly obsessed with the ever popular and oh so fashionable mullet (cough, snort, gasp, wheeze, and snicker). She has even gone so far as to make little mullet wigs for her cats lu-lu and su-su. the cats have reacted in not so positive manners, and yet nothing can bring my friend to see the error of her mulleting ways, kitties should be allowed to develop their own hairstyles as they pass through kitty adolesense, don't you think? please give us your advice and hurry lu-lu and su-su, are currently the butt of hideous cruel remarks by the back door neigbors issacman and charitypaws. - Anonymous, Wilm, NC

Dear Friend- First of all, readers, I should say, if you've ever had any doubt as to whether these are real letters? here you go. I promise you, no one who works on this website is creative enough and/or smokes enough weed to come up with something this bizarre. I'll be honest. I have no friggin' clue what to tell this idiot. You got me.

Dear Sir/King Mullet - Whilst basking in your reflected glory we could not help but wonder, are you from the fair Northern English town of Burnley? Also is it possible for my friend, who is black to be endowed with such a beautiful haircut as the closest we could find was Eddie Murphy. Many thanks. - Diego, Greg, & Graham, Bristol, England

Dear Diego, Greg, & Graham - I like the ring of "King Mullet". No sir, I do no not hail from the fair city of Burnley. I hail from the fair city of Evanston, Wyoming. I have heard tell that the two cities are remarkably similar, and equally charming and delightful. Your friend, who is black may certainly be endowed with a beautiful mullet. The mullet knows no race or creed.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I've been toying with the thought of creating a new mullet invention. Unlike the bounty-hunter style geri-curls, my mullet will be a stiff tuft of hair that extends like a powerful bolt of lightning toward the floor only to reveal an explosive six-inch fully erect dome much like a poisonous cloud of hatred toward the front of my face. Do you think this will revolutionize the mullet community. Hit me back. - Keith Hamilton, Northfork/California

Dear Keith - Throughout the annals of human history, it is the bold who have progressed the human race. I daresay your radical new mullet could revolutionize the mullet community. Be courageous. You will certainly be persecuted,even by fellow mullets. Be strong in your conviction. One tip: let the fully erect dome extend toward your face like a fluffy white cloud of hope, instead of a poisonous cloud of hatred.

Dear Mr. Mullet - is it true that mullets are primarily grown to compensate for penis size? - Victoria, BC

Dear Victoria - There are differing schools of thought on this issue. Those who are into Freudian psychoanalysis might suggest that the mullet is a phallic symbol, a penis extender designed to compensate for fear of castration and desire to boff one's own mother. I happen to belong to a different school of thought. I've found that the mullet causes one to get laid so frequently that to be less-than-well-hung might equal disaster.

Dear Mr. Mullet -Why is this haircut called the mullet? What is it named after? - Anonymous, Oklahoma City

Dear Oklahoma City- There are many theories for how the word mullet came about. Let me share my own: "mullet" is short for "my bullet". "My bullet" 'cause it's deadly, baby. Let me shoot you with my bullet. Damn.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Hello. My name is cletus and I have a problem. I got drunk one night with my buddies, and whiles I was passed out on the back porch, they snuck up and cut off my beautiful, luxurious mullet. I am lost without it, it was my life. Now I don't look proper. My hair don't match my missing teeth and mesh tank tops. I am depressed and lost. My mullet wife has threatened to leave me for a man with more white trash hair. Please help me. - Cletus, Alabama

Dear Cletus - Recent years have shown tremendous strides in mullet-transplant techniques. This is your only hope to keep your woman, besides beating her. The most radical transplant technique, an option available only to a few choice men, is the back hair mullet. This technique is one in which the back hair is grown out to create a connection with the head hair, thus creating a rudimentary artificial mullet while the real one grows in. Another option is go to the barbershop, and gather enough hair to glue on a rattail. Using this method, theoretically one could create an entire artificial mullet, however it is difficult to maintain a realistic look. Besides, having an artificial mullet glued to one's head could impede true mullet growth. Don't despair. Despair will only make you uglier than you already are.

Dear Mr. Mullet - The other day, I got home from work at the bowling alley, and found a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink of the trailer where me, my girlfriend, her second cousin, and her second cousin?s brother live. Thing is, I don?t ever eat breakfast at home, and my woman?s second cousin and his brother are both in jail for the next 15 days. I?m thinking she?s been having an affair. What should I do? - Tommy, Chattanooga, Tennessee

Dear Tommy from Tennessee - Well, Pardner, you got yourself a real ?dirty? situation on your hands! The important thing is to encourage an open line of communication with your companion. Tell her how you feel, your fears and concerns. Encourage her to do the same. Let her know that your love is unconditional. If she still doesn?t confess to sleeping around, whack her upside the head for awhile, until she does. The thing to remember, Tommy: there is no damage that you could do to a relationship that can?t be fixed by a trip to the nearest amusement park.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Lately I?ve been feeling as though my 1986 Chevy Camaro IROC is a bit, well, blah. What can I do to throw some new life into the old gal? - Todd, Ypsilanti, Michigan

Dear Todd from Ypsilanti - Right there near Motor City, and you are still short on ideas? Well, let me share a few. There are, of course, numerous mechanical modifications that one can make to one?s car to throw a bit of pizzazz back into her. However, there are some very inexpensive modifications that one can make very quickly. Have you tried a Calvin-pissing-on-a-Ford-sign sticker, tastefully plastered in the back window? How about a neon license plate frame? A pair of black lace panties draped over the rear view mirror adds a roguish and ever-so-mischievous touch to any car. How about body-colored windshield wipers? If you?re feeling really ambitious, a car bra or a louvred aluminum sunshield over the back hatch literally screams class. You get my point, Todd. There are many options. It?s all about creativity.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Some of my pigs had piglets. One of the piglets, Pumkin, broke out into a rash on its underbelly. I poured some peroxide on it, but it didn't do a thing. What should I do? - Ernest, Ullegal, Mississippi

Dear Ernest - Looks like you, or Pumkin, to be more exact, has a little problem. The porcine epidermis is a sensitive thing. I'll bet you didn't know that pigs are the only other animals besides humans that sunburn. Their skin is very much like ours. This is why they make skin grafts for severely burned people out of pigskin. You might want to rub some anti-septic ointment such as neosporin on the rash. If that doesn't work, try some calamine lotion. The important thing is to keep Pumkin clean and dry. And that rash could be contagious, so don't have any physical contact with Pumkin for awhile (wink, wink).

Dear Mr. Mullet - Where in New York State can I find a barber that can give me a good mullet? - Brendan, Canton

Dear Brendan - The important thing is not so much that the barber know how to give a good mullet. Most are capable enough. The question is, how are you requesting your mullet? Many barbers are unfamiliar with terms such as "mullet", "beavertail", "Kentucky Waterfall". Instead, describe the mullet. Succintness is the key. Familiarize yourself with the clipper attachments so that you can go in and do like I do. "2 on top, 1 on the sides, leave the back". See how easy that is? It's your hair, Brendan. Talk with the barber, communicate. He will be sensitive to your needs.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Why do you think rokking a mullet is cool? You look like a f-----g fag along with every other mullet. F---k mullets. - Gladius, Seattle, Washington

Dear Gladius - Even though I have a sneaking suspicion that your question is rhetorical, allow me to answer. I like my mullet... and so does your mom.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I have been trying to fix up my trailer to surprise the new man in my life. I want it to look really classy, so I started off with some candles I made from tuna cans. They look really elegant, but what else can I do? - Urma, South Dakota

Dear Urma - It sounds like you're off to a great start. Keep going along those lines: classy but not pretentious. It would help if you'd specified whether your trailer was a double-wide or a regular, but I'll try to be of help. Start with artwork. Nothing says "Hey, I'm high class" like a few well-placed paintings. The county fair is a great place to pick up reasonably priced artwork. For a touch of whimsy, go with the "dogs playing poker" painting. Velvet paintings are both beautiful and easy to vacuum if you get velveeta on them. I prefer the "Marilyn Monroe buck naked" one, but "Elvis" is good also. For a rustic touch, go with a painting of a hunting dog with a duck in its mouth and some shotgun shells and duck calls lying nearby. Some Indian dreamcatchers on the walls also add a nice Southwestern touch. Anything airbrushed. Trust your instincts.

Dear Mr. Mullet - I am a fat loner. I have no friends, but I do have a nice double chin. Do you think that growing a mullet would increase my popularity? - Cam, Evanston

Dear Cam - Increase your popularity? And how! A mullet is practically a double chin license! Once you have a mullet, you will become a mullet. The mullet community will accept you for the beautiful person that you are the inside. You will have friends, true friends. And you might even get a piece of ass in the process. You will never know until you have the courage to grow that mullet.

Dear Mr. Mullet - Why does your mullet look so nasty and groady u look like u are a muskrat in the ocean dont front with skank bootucks mulllet mine hasa feather tail that looks good. Also why does your mullet flap in the back. - James, Portsmouth, Va

Dear James - Whoa buddy! Slow down! Did you write this while you were waiting for the short bus to come pick you up for your special school? Let me respond in your own language: I lik my mulllett cus itscool its not groady nor do I loook lik a muskratt in the ocean u dumass redtardd monkeyfish scoop buttocks gurt. My mulllet roks yur feathertail u fag. (Disclaimer: This was a real letter I received).

Dear Mr. Mullet - Why didn't you come home till 2 'o clock at night you a--hole. You're cheating on me, aren't you? Who is it? Who is that you're seeing behind my hairy back? - Mrs. Mullet

Dear Mrs. Mullet - Honey, Honey, wait... I can explain, just listen, just listen for a sec, ok? Can you just listen to me? No, don't walk out that door, don't you walk out that door! I was just... are you listening? I was just playing poker with the guys. I swear to God and all his angels that's all I was doing, honey. You know I love you and wouldn't cheat on you. Please honey, you gotta believe me. And I was just kidding about your back being hairy! Can you forgive me baby?

Dear Mr. Mullet - Historically speaking, do you know who the first mullet was? Samson? - Richard, Wilmington, NC

Dear Richard - Although no one is exactly sure who the first mullet was, what is clear is that the mullet is by no means an invention of the 20th century. Egyptian hieroglyphics show a distinctly mulletesque hairstyle as a symbol of royalty. Assyrian and Phoenician clay sculptures show elaborately styled mullets on men and women alike. The true golden age of the mullet was in medieval times. Noblemen and peasants alike, terrified of surprise Viking raids, began to cut short their hair in front, so as not to obscure their vision while working in the fields, thereby not allowing surprise attacks. Samson may or may not have had a mullet. The biblical record is somewhat hazy on this point. What is abundantly clear: he cut and turned into a big pussy. Just like how you all will if you cut your mullets.

Dear Mr. Mullet - There's this girl at school who I really like. Every time I go to talk to her, I can't think of anything to say. I'm making an idiot of myself. Help me Mr. Mullet! - Sam, Santa Fe, NM

Dear Sam - You have nothing to be nervous of, my friend. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to be young and awkward. I didn't start making the chicks go through panties at first sight overnight, you know. Practice what you're going to say in front of the mirror. Think of a nice compliment, something along the lines of "Damn!" (while looking up and down her body). Make arrangements with a friend to engage in a game of grab-ass style hall-wrestling in front of her. Get behind her in the lunch line and talk loudly about how much you dislike homosexuals and other people who are different than you. This impresses them, trust me. You have nothing to fear but fear itself, my young friend. Go for the glory.